4 Reasons Why Relationships End

What makes it possible for broken relationships to be restored? When I was in grammar school there were times when I was fighting with my best friend one minute and an hour later, we were back on our bikes hanging out as if nothing happened. As we get older it is more likely that we will break off a relationship and we are less likely to reconcile.

We spoke previously about forgiveness (click here if you missed it) and said that it is ok to forgive without reconciling. To reconcile means to restore the relationship.

The only things I want to lose is excess weight and debt. Losing my keys or worse yet my wallet is pretty stressful. I’ve lost close friendships also. If I had to choose the loss of a close friend or the loss of my wallet, I would throw my wallet in a lake without hesitating. The thing that is so peculiar about the loss of a friend is that when the relationship ends the emotions are so high that the goodbye is more of a “good riddance” than a “I am so sad to see you go”. Before we can discover how to repair a relationship, we must understand why the relationship fell apart.

Natural Causes

People change. The change that brings about separation can be a good thing like personal growth or a development of new interests. The change can be geographical when people move due to career opportunities or when they feel they are called to be a part of a different community. Seasons of life change and people tend to connect with others who are in the same season as themselves. As a result of these and many other things we find that some relationships fade. There can be a sense of loss surrounding the distancing of relationships in this manner but if both people are emotionally healthy, they will find themselves with new relationships to replace the loss.

It’s My Fault

I have a friend who I separated from. I brought about this separation by saying things that were very unkind. I did it on purpose. I did it for a reason that I thought was justified. The relationship fell apart because I chose for it to be destroyed. I was sure that I would never have to ask for his forgiveness and a long time went by with a complete separation in the relationship. I eventually realized that reasonable people do the kind of things that my former friend did. I realized that reasonable people do these things, not with evil intent, but because they are very different from me. It was the evil intent thing that had me hung up. One day the light bulb went on in my mind when I saw someone do the exact same thing that I thought had to be done with evil intent but I knew this person was doing it as a natural result of their way of living. I was struck with shame at what I said to the man, my old friend, who I attacked verbally. I told a mutual friend of my blunder and of my intention to ask for forgiveness. The mutual friend asked the old friend to unblock my number so that I could call. He was very gracious. I admitted exactly what I had done. I did not explain away my reasons for doing it. After listing my wrongs, I asked if he would please forgive me. This is amazing, he said he had already forgiven me.

It Is The Other Person’s Fault

We all know it takes two to tango but when you get kicked in the shin while dancing it is definitely someone’s fault. I had a friend do some work for me. He didn’t personally do the work but I hired his company and his employees did the work. I had some issues with the quality of a small portion of the work and he didn’t respond positively to my requests. I asked a mutual friend who has expertise in the area to take a look at my requests and this friend agreed there were deficiencies. The friend I hired felt that I was a picky, hard to please customer. We met to look at the work and our mutual friend joined to mediate. I took a stance of self-deprecating humor to soften the negotiation. I found that my requests were not going to be honored and in the process my character was maligned by a person who I had hired based on our long standing very close relationship. I was shocked. I sent him a letter stating that I would like to forget about the work request and instead work out the relationship offense because I didn’t want to lose a friend over this. His response wasn’t good. This relationship obviously ended. We have encountered one another, smiled, and said hello but he has not asked for my forgiveness and I have no reason to believe he has changed. This is why I have a boundary on the type of relationship I am willing to have with him. You might wonder if I have forgiven this man. Yes, I have forgiven him. I have given up the right to punish him. I hold no ill will toward him.

Proper Boundaries

We are responsible for being a steward of our hearts and mind. This means that we must clean up the wrong thoughts and emotions we have inside us so that we do not harm ourselves and others with them. We also need to keep out things that can cause our hearts and minds to be tainted. This second item requires what is called boundaries. A proper boundary is determined specific to each relationship. If someone has abused you sexually or physically it makes sense to have a boundary set so far out that you have no interaction with the person. Perhaps there is another person who verbally attacks you when you are in a one on one conversation. You may set a boundary that requires there to be two other people in the room if you are to be with that person. Is there someone who pulls you into gossip? A boundary with this person might be to never have private conversations with them. Is there a person who entices you to engage in behavior you are trying to not do? You might eliminate all social interactions with this person. Is there someone who tries to manipulate, control or guilt you into doing the thing that they think is the loving choice? The people who do these things are usually close friends or family but it is critical that you put up a boundary that does not give them permission or opportunity to do these things to you. There is a book that I highly recommend on this subject and it is named Boundaries. Click on the link to check it out. I also know people who have benefited greatly from the help of a counselor. Read the book and if you need help protecting yourself from a toxic person do not delay. It is your responsibility to get healthy but you don’t have to do it alone.