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Part 2 If you missed part one on the Outer Circle of Acquaintances you can find it here social distances – how close of a friend are you

These are my thoughts on three more levels of friendship; the Middle Circle of Good Friends, The Inner Circle of Intimate Friends, and the special inner circle of Marriage.

Middle Circle of Good Friends

We are attracted to people for a reason. Perhaps you like your friends to be fun, interesting, prestigious, or just nice people. An aunt of mine who has many very close friends gave me this advice;

• Friendships begin through shared experiences. My aunt and uncle have been involved in many ministries, and the people you find very involved in giving their lives to others tend to be good people. It makes sense that through the years they have picked up a good set of friends here and there. Those friends have added up.
• Be intentional about staying connected with your friends. The level of connection varies because life is busy. With some of their friends they text a lot. My aunt has another friend who calls her every week on her way to volleyball. The key is that they stay connected and see each other whenever possible.
• Have an activity that you enjoy sharing with your friends. With many of my aunt and uncle’s friends, they enjoy getting together and playing Canasta. It’s not like you get together just because of the activity, but the activity gives you a foundation. While doing the activity, there is opportunity to laugh and share. The activity is like yeast. It gets things going. 
• The best friends are ones where the husbands and the wives all get along well enough to want to travel together. The amount of time you are able to spend with someone is greatly increased if both you and your spouse enjoy the other couple. It makes sense that if you and your spouse both enjoy doing a shared activity with the other couple that you will spend even more time together. Traveling with friends is a recipe for spending lots of time and time is the main ingredient to any relationship.

The middle circle of friends are people that you are familiar with. You are probably pretty familiar with their family. You know what their passions are. You most likely even know of a problematic situation they recently went through, the story about how they struggled through it, and how it changed them.

John Maxwell has a lot to say about a close circle of friends; he said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” He also said to use these three questions to choose the right friends.

Capacity- Does this person have the capacity to grow and develop.
Chemistry -Do you enjoy them. 
Character – Can I trust them
John also has a list of principles to apply to the inner circle of people at work or in an organization you lead. He says to bring these five types of people into your close circle;

• Potential value: Those who raise up themselves
• Positive value: Those who raise morale
• Personal value: Those who raise up the leader
• Production value: Those who raise up others
• Proven value: Those who raise up people who raise up other people

A summary of this advice is- Be intentional about developing mutual friendships with growth minded people. There are three parts to this. The first is be intentional to choose the type of friends that you want, and to build and maintain these friendships. The second is for these friendships to be mutual. I have something I call the jelly bean method of relationships. When you meet somebody, it is typical for you to say hello and for them to day hello back. You dropped a jelly bean in the jar between the two of you and the other person dropped a jelly bean in also. Now the other person may drop a second jelly bean in by asking your name. You respond in kind and now you have each added equally to the relationship building. Now you may make a comment about the thing that the two of you are doing. If they respond by talking for the next half hour nonstop without asking for your input, then they have taken a huge handful of jellybeans and dumped them into the jar. The conversation is now uneven and this is a relationship failure. Use the jellybeans that best fit your personality. Some wonderful jellybeans to toss into the jar are the complementary, humorous, inviting, sharing, and vulnerable ones. The objective is to find someone who is just as interested in you as you are in them. Sometimes people may drop a jelly bean in but they aren’t interested in you at all. You may also find that the jelly beans they drop into the conversation are sarcastic, condescending, shaming, angry, complaining, or uninterested etc. When you find that the conversation is off balance because you are putting in one type of jelly bean and they put in something completely different you can choose whether to go with the direction they are leading. It is ok to smile and excuse yourself. You don’t have to be part of conversations that are full of toxicity like gossip or just self-centered such as a woe is me talk. I had to come up with this method because I am apt to be very open or enthusiastic and I can dump a whole handful of jellybeans into the jar without waiting for the other person to respond allowing me to check on the mood and speed of the relationship. The third item is to build relationships with growth minded people. The best way to do this is to be growth minded yourself which I know you are since you are reading this. At some point you need to be intentional and determine whether this person is someone who has the capacity to grow and develop. People who are growth minded will be most connected with others who are also focused on growth. One last thought on good friends. Life is busy and friends take time. One thing about being busy is that we are typically busy doing what we are doing with other people. Make friends where you spend your time. If that isn’t working out then consider if the problem is you or the people you spend your time with. You need to change something. Be intentional and change it.

Inner Circle of Intimate Friends

Everything said about the Middle Circle also applies to The Inner Circle also which is where you go deep. It is made of friends who you confide in and who confide in you. A person with three clear circles of friends is Jesus. He had his outer circle of those who followed him around, those he taught, healed and interacted with, and of those who lived in his village. He then had his 12 Good Friends, His Disciples, who spent a lot of time interacting with him. Of these, twelve were three who were closest to Jesus. They were Peter, James and John. Which three were in the garden when Jesus was struggling in prayer over dying? It was these three. Jesus shared special times, his deepest temptations, and His greatest glories with these three. These are people who, chosen from our circle of good friends, we have determined we not only trust thoroughly but that we also have a shared heart towards life with. In a deep sense these are people that you prefer. Not just prefer in the sense of enjoying or liking but in the sense that you do what is best for them and they do likewise to you. There are also proper boundaries with those in your inner circle. You choose to prefer each other. You do not act out of guilt or obligation. You are also considerate that those in your inner circle are individuals separate from each other and separate from your spouse. There are things you do not share with your inner circle. You do not share personal information about others in your inner circle. This means that you don’t talk about things you know because you are intimate with someone that they would not share with someone they are not intimate with. These are secrets, and you need to honor your closest friends by keeping their secrets. You also do not share things with your inner circle that betrays the intimacy that you have with your spouse.

Spouse – The two become one

There is a relationship that goes way deeper than others can. This relationship is marriage. Marriage is not a contract with terms of performance. It is not a contract with an end date. Marriage is a covenant. A covenant is a relational agreement with terms of commitment. Your familiar with the terms- for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow. When a husband and wife are joined through this covenant, they are now one of the four institutions that God has ordained. This institution is the family. Husbands and wives are dependent on each other, but they are not co-dependent. The family has very specific purposes. I call these purposes The Business of Family. They are- to be a community who enjoys life together, to work together to learn that the one purpose in life is to love God and His creation, to provide for the physical needs of one another, and to prepare children for being the heads of their own families. There are a lot of things which wind up being included in each one of these items. It is a monumental task requiring the concerted effort and devotion of a husband and wife. Those who do it well are successful at the business of family. They have something amazing, which is a source of joy, love, purpose, and security. Marriage partners have a destiny that is tied to one another. They have physical and emotional intimacy which is not shared with others outside of their spouse. They protect their marriage with boundaries. Flirting with a person outside of the marriage would never be engaged in because it is a threat to the commitment they have made to one another and a sign that a breach of fidelity is being played with in the mind. The same goes for emotional or physical affairs. They would never let an enemy breach the wall of their marriage. When marriage partners are committed to and properly focused on the job at hand, there are so many emotional, physical and spiritual traps that they just don’t fall into. Covenants kept result in blessings received. It isn’t easy but sure is worth it.

This has been my simplified take on a very complex topic. I expect that a lot of what I said is rarely experienced. We can change that to experience more of the good. I hope that you take one thing from this exploration of friendship and act on going deeper with someone in your life. 

Would you give me a hand with something? I am very interested in knowing what you are looking for a good friend to be in your life. The second thing is what do you do for other people that makes them call you a friend? Would you write your reply in the comments below? Thank you.

That’s it for now.

Peace and Love fellow traveler,

Jim

Part 1

Over the last couple of weeks, we explored what forgiveness is and the reasons why relationships fall apart. If you missed them you can click the links. After looking at the reasons why relationships fall apart you might wonder why you would ever want to seek reconciliation. This is especially true when you think that a relationship broke up for a very good reason. On the other hand, these relationships started for a very good reason. Relationships make sense. My Great-Uncle had one piece of advice for a good life. He urged me to have good friends.

A couple of years ago my family and I visited Florida. The ocean is captivating. It can be so peaceful, so fun, the source of a great adventure, and it can be dangerous. Friends have traits like this also. I will use the ocean as a metaphor of how friends can be experienced. We can keep the ocean at a distance, or we can commit a bit more and play in the shallows. The real joy is found in the deep. Can anything compare to swimming with a pod of Dolphins, snorkeling along a coral reef, or scuba diving for sunken treasure? We can categorize our friends based upon how close to us they are. By close I mean the degree to which we allow them to influence us, how much we rely upon them, and have a level of trust. Trust can be given for just a specific thing or for a specific time at the low end and at the high end of trust there is complete trust which requires us to let down our boundaries with a full access pass to our hopes, fears, strengths and weaknesses. The objective is to give a prudent level of trust to a person and when they prove worthy of the trust you give them more. Those in our inner circle love us just as we are, yet encourage us to become the best version of ourselves. These are the people we can trust with our lives. Now we will take a look at each of the outer, middle, and an inner circle of friends.

The Outer Circle of Acquaintances

The ocean can be experienced while maintaining a bit of distance. I love to walk along the beach. It is fun to see all of the items that get washed up on the shore and to treasure hunt for beautiful shells. It is peaceful to hear the waves reaching up, feel them splash across my feet and then recede. Many people prefer to enjoy the ocean by just looking at it and listening to it. The rhythm of the waves is so soothing. At the other end of the spectrum is the exhilaration of huge crashing waves. The roar and the splash make for great slow speed video. The things I just described are how the ocean can be enjoyed from a distance. Friends like this, who are enjoyed from a distance or for short periods of time are in the outer circle of friends we call acquaintances. Don’t get me wrong. Not all acquaintances are peaceful or the fun life of the party. Part of my families Florida trip included a Dolphin watching excursion on jet skis. This sounded like a fun activity. After a short lesson we headed out into the Gulf of Mexico on the jet skis. It was a windy day and the waves were rolling in. Some people loved these waves. They jumped them and skidded across the tops at high speed. I was not happy at all about the waves. This was my first jet ski experience; my daughter was on the back and I was responsible for keeping her safe. The guide urged us to go fast to help deal with the waves which were pushing us around. If my daughter and I went flying off of that machine at 30mph I was pretty sure one of us would wind up hurt. As a result, I went slow. We made it out and back safely but it was a stressful experience for me. We didn’t go literally into the ocean, thankfully, but we sure did get an experience from being a part of its activity. Even outer circle friends with a lot of high energy activity, whether it be turmoil or celebration, can easily affect our lives. If we allow them to affect our lives often the affect turns into influence. Best friends, buds, old friends and Facebook friends. Different types of friends hold very different roles in our lives. The relationship between friends in various circles is very different. Since the outer circle of friends are people who are acquaintances, your familiarity with them may be limited. You may not know where they work or live, the name of their spouse or whether they have children. The political or spiritual views of these people may have no consequence on your relationship. On the other hand, you might be very familiar with these people because they tell you all about themselves. These people may even believe that you are one of their closest friends. You may respond to these people by telling them all about yourself. The thing that makes them part of your outer circle is their limited influence on you. The people in your outer circle are a very important part of your life though because they make more possible. My wife is part of a group that clothes and feeds the homeless. It takes dozens of people to pull off the wonderful service provided to those in need. I volunteer every week with Jr High students to share with them that God loves them and has a purpose for them. We put on a high energy program and it takes a lot of people to pull it off. Whether it be the workplace, sport, hobby, club, or volunteer organization that you are part of it takes a lot of people to make it happen. These people are there to love with you, for you to love, and for you to receive love from them. They are there to provide conflict to make you grow, and joy to lift you up. When Jesus tells you to love your enemies, yes this is the group in which you will find the people it is hard to love. These people are the ocean. They are a powerful force. They are part of what God wants to do in your life and of what He wants you to do in this world

You will find that a few people move from the outer circle to have a much closer relationship with you. Next we will discuss these closer relationships that are part of the Good Friends and The Inner Circle.

Let me know your thoughts about the Outer Circle in the comments below.

What makes it possible for broken relationships to be restored? When I was in grammar school there were times when I was fighting with my best friend one minute and an hour later, we were back on our bikes hanging out as if nothing happened. As we get older it is more likely that we will break off a relationship and we are less likely to reconcile.

We spoke previously about forgiveness (click here if you missed it) and said that it is ok to forgive without reconciling. To reconcile means to restore the relationship.

The only things I want to lose is excess weight and debt. Losing my keys or worse yet my wallet is pretty stressful. I’ve lost close friendships also. If I had to choose the loss of a close friend or the loss of my wallet, I would throw my wallet in a lake without hesitating. The thing that is so peculiar about the loss of a friend is that when the relationship ends the emotions are so high that the goodbye is more of a “good riddance” than a “I am so sad to see you go”. Before we can discover how to repair a relationship, we must understand why the relationship fell apart.

Natural Causes

People change. The change that brings about separation can be a good thing like personal growth or a development of new interests. The change can be geographical when people move due to career opportunities or when they feel they are called to be a part of a different community. Seasons of life change and people tend to connect with others who are in the same season as themselves. As a result of these and many other things we find that some relationships fade. There can be a sense of loss surrounding the distancing of relationships in this manner but if both people are emotionally healthy, they will find themselves with new relationships to replace the loss.

It’s My Fault

I have a friend who I separated from. I brought about this separation by saying things that were very unkind. I did it on purpose. I did it for a reason that I thought was justified. The relationship fell apart because I chose for it to be destroyed. I was sure that I would never have to ask for his forgiveness and a long time went by with a complete separation in the relationship. I eventually realized that reasonable people do the kind of things that my former friend did. I realized that reasonable people do these things, not with evil intent, but because they are very different from me. It was the evil intent thing that had me hung up. One day the light bulb went on in my mind when I saw someone do the exact same thing that I thought had to be done with evil intent but I knew this person was doing it as a natural result of their way of living. I was struck with shame at what I said to the man, my old friend, who I attacked verbally. I told a mutual friend of my blunder and of my intention to ask for forgiveness. The mutual friend asked the old friend to unblock my number so that I could call. He was very gracious. I admitted exactly what I had done. I did not explain away my reasons for doing it. After listing my wrongs, I asked if he would please forgive me. This is amazing, he said he had already forgiven me.

It Is The Other Person’s Fault

We all know it takes two to tango but when you get kicked in the shin while dancing it is definitely someone’s fault. I had a friend do some work for me. He didn’t personally do the work but I hired his company and his employees did the work. I had some issues with the quality of a small portion of the work and he didn’t respond positively to my requests. I asked a mutual friend who has expertise in the area to take a look at my requests and this friend agreed there were deficiencies. The friend I hired felt that I was a picky, hard to please customer. We met to look at the work and our mutual friend joined to mediate. I took a stance of self-deprecating humor to soften the negotiation. I found that my requests were not going to be honored and in the process my character was maligned by a person who I had hired based on our long standing very close relationship. I was shocked. I sent him a letter stating that I would like to forget about the work request and instead work out the relationship offense because I didn’t want to lose a friend over this. His response wasn’t good. This relationship obviously ended. We have encountered one another, smiled, and said hello but he has not asked for my forgiveness and I have no reason to believe he has changed. This is why I have a boundary on the type of relationship I am willing to have with him. You might wonder if I have forgiven this man. Yes, I have forgiven him. I have given up the right to punish him. I hold no ill will toward him.

Proper Boundaries

We are responsible for being a steward of our hearts and mind. This means that we must clean up the wrong thoughts and emotions we have inside us so that we do not harm ourselves and others with them. We also need to keep out things that can cause our hearts and minds to be tainted. This second item requires what is called boundaries. A proper boundary is determined specific to each relationship. If someone has abused you sexually or physically it makes sense to have a boundary set so far out that you have no interaction with the person. Perhaps there is another person who verbally attacks you when you are in a one on one conversation. You may set a boundary that requires there to be two other people in the room if you are to be with that person. Is there someone who pulls you into gossip? A boundary with this person might be to never have private conversations with them. Is there a person who entices you to engage in behavior you are trying to not do? You might eliminate all social interactions with this person. Is there someone who tries to manipulate, control or guilt you into doing the thing that they think is the loving choice? The people who do these things are usually close friends or family but it is critical that you put up a boundary that does not give them permission or opportunity to do these things to you. There is a book that I highly recommend on this subject and it is named Boundaries. Click on the link to check it out. I also know people who have benefited greatly from the help of a counselor. Read the book and if you need help protecting yourself from a toxic person do not delay. It is your responsibility to get healthy but you don’t have to do it alone.

If you want steak but are offered either apples or potatoes, choose steak. My son and wife were very close for the first eleven years of his life. As Doctor Dobson warned us, my son began the natural maturing process of separation and the relationship my wife had enjoyed and cherished changed. Change is a nice way of saying heartbreak, frustration, anger and hurt. A complicating factor is that my children were schooled at home, which means that my son and his mother seldom got a break from one another. The relationship deteriorated to the point where my wife saw no other option than to send my son to school because they could not interact with each other peacefully. I faced the choice of seeing my son and wife grow to hate one another or lose the dream of homeschooling. I chose steak. What I really wanted was for my wife and me to have a good relationship with my son as an adult. I saw this situation as a threat to that dream. I also wanted my son to have a good education and to develop into a man of good character. The principle my wife and I applied in this situation was to press into the problem instead of backing away from it. The way I pressed into the problem is by telling my wife that she did not have to educate my son because I was going to do it. They probably wanted to bust out laughing at this promise. I followed through and found online classes which my son did on his own while sitting at my desk at work. Yes, he went to work with me. This didn’t last for too long, but long enough to give them both the space they needed. My wife pressed into the problem by focusing on ways to rebuild the relationship. She did this moment by moment through making the following choices:  She chose to ignore behavior that didn’t meet her expectations in order to focus on rebuilding. She chose to study things that my son was interested in so that she could talk to him about them. She took him out to eat at a restaurant of his choice once a week, where she had the opportunity to connect with him over his interests. 

Here is how the story played out-

My son responded by being cooperative. He continued his schooling at home through high school. Our educational program was successful based on his getting accepted into a very rigorous university, where he found himself well prepared. The relationship between my son and his mother matured into a healthy adult relationship. By the time he graduated from university, my wife and I were confident that our son was a man of high character. 

This story could have been so different. It really puts me in awe of God’s goodness that I have this story to tell. I want your stories to be about how your dreams have become a reality. Here are the principles that I see at work here, which can be applied: 

• Know what you want. This can also be said as, know what your dreams are, know what your goal is, or know what your objective is.
• Make choices consistent with your dreams. Do you say you want to be a particular type of person or live a certain type of life yet act in completely inconsistent ways? The dream doesn’t matter if you do not make choices consistent with the dream. 
• When problems arise, press into the problem by acting on the choices consistent with your dreams. This is called follow-through. It is doing what you say you are going to do. It is being who you say you are. This is the essence of character. 

People are all that matters. If what you want is something self-centered, the results you achieve will be meaningless in the end.

What are the exceptions to forgiving? Certainly, there are things that we can’t possibly be expected to forgive. There is an estimated 20 to 40 million people in slavery today. Over half of human trafficking cases in the U.S. are sex related. The average age of a person put into the sex trade is 12 to 14 years old. Is it ok to not forgive the person who kidnaps a child and sells that person as a sex slave? We could go on and on listing egregious acts that are reasonably beyond forgiveness. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t need anything greater than personal rejection or betrayal to make me not want to forgive.

What is your definition of forgiveness? If a person apologizes to you and you say I forgive you, what does that really mean? I think it often means an agreement has been made to stop arguing about the issue or to stop acting coldly towards one another. It means, we are good now, or at least we will act like our relationship is good. This implies that a reconciliation has occurred. Forgiveness and reconciliation are considered to go hand in hand. You get one with the other. Is this connection of the two emotionally healthy? Is it really even possible? Is it possible in every case? I believe it is healthiest for you and me to make a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. They are two different things. Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish. Reconciliation is the restoration of a broken relationship. I needed to understand this in order to make a huge personal leap in a spiritual sense.

I believed that I didn’t have to forgive anyone who had not asked for forgiveness. If you are like me this rule is quite easy to follow because very few people ask for forgiveness. I am trying to think of people who have asked for forgiveness and other than my wife and parents, I come up blank. Not forgiving people is a great weapon. The only problem is, it is a weapon that harms the person who wields it more than the intended object. It is like a gun with a barrel pointed at the shooter. Not forgiving someone leads to bitterness, anger and even hatred. These are thoughts and emotions that pollute the core of a person. They also pollute those around us. The Bible says that the root of bitterness defiles many. It is wise to distance yourself with boundaries from bitter people. I don’t want to be the person who other people are smart to stay away from. I don’t want my wife, children or friends to be polluted by me. Once I realized that I could give up the right to punish someone, without requiring that the toxic relationship must be restored, I was free to forgive.

I am sure you have been harmed by someone. I am sure that you are due being paid a penalty by someone. You have been hurt beyond repair. Someone you love has been hurt beyond repair. The perpetrator deserves to pay, and pay they will. The question is who will make them pay? Who is capable of making them pay? God will make sure that the price is paid. The Bible tells us that God will not be mocked, a man will reap what he sows. If you are struggling with bitterness please read Psalm 73. You can be free to forgive if you give God the right to punish. For the sake of your own life you must give up the right to punish. You are paying a never-ending price for the wrong that someone else did by holding the right to punish in your heart. You can be free. The other person does not have to ask for forgiveness in order for you to give up the right to punish. Do you want to be free of anger and bitterness? Give up the right to punish. Trust in this, God will not be mocked. God has the ability to make sure the price is paid.

Who do you need to forgive? It is not a matter of the other person needing your forgiveness. This is about you cleaning out your core of love. Who has poisoned your heart? You do not have to let that person hurt you again. You do not have to talk to or even see that person again. You do not have to tell that person they are forgiven. What you must do is take responsibility for the condition of your heart and give up the right to punish this person.

I asked a couple of questions at the beginning of this article. I hope that you are now able to answer that there are no exceptions. No evil act is worth the harm caused by holding unforgiveness. No evil person should be allowed to continue to affect you long after their evil deed has been done. Forgiveness needs to be part of the process of grieving the loss. You can be free.

This is hard work and I think we have done enough for now. Next week we can discuss this further in regards to how reconciliation is used to protect our core of love. I will post the article on my blog jim-harmon.com.

There are things which can happen that are much worse than having a home burn down, getting in a car accident or having an expensive medical condition. Let’s talk about this.

Why do you really have insurance? The logical reason would seem to be that we buy insurance to transfer risk for things that would be devastating if we had to cover the loss on our own. In practice, this is not how we use insurance. Many people buy warranty plans on their appliances, tools, phones and all sorts of electronic devices. We are insured if our tire goes flat or we lock the keys in the car. We buy vacation insurance and even pet insurance. The real reason people seem to purchase insurance is to eliminate financial surprises. I purchased a new Chrysler Town and Country a number of years ago. My confidence in the quality of the van must have been low because I paid for a 7 year/100,000-mile bumper to bumper warranty. The warranty company lost a lot on the policy. The van had repairs every year, which cost more than $1,000 and I paid nothing for them. It turns out that window motors, radios, engine wiring harnesses and other components are costly and this van had at least one of them go out every year. I definitely got rid of that lemon before the warranty expired. There was no way I was taking on the financial risk of repairing it. My thinking changed since then in that if I think I need to buy a warranty on the item because of its likelihood to break I just don’t buy it. What insurance do you believe is absolutely necessary? By necessary I mean if you incurred a loss without coverage, the result could be financial ruin, or at the very least the cost would be significant enough to put a serious pinch on your life. For me, it is liability coverage which I get through insuring home, vehicles and business. Next, it is health insurance and disability insurance. My home insurance also covers me for risks such as fire and tornado. I partake in a couple of dangerous sports, so I also have heli-evac and search & rescue insurance. The last two are cheap, but a medical rescue and flight can cost many tens of thousands. The insurance also works seamlessly with my Garmin inReach, which I find to be very valuable in insuring my safety when in remote wilderness areas. The inReach is a satellite communication device with an SOS button on it. If I press the button, a person will answer and ask what I need. If I need a helicopter to get me off of a mountain, then that is what I will get. I have been made aware of end-of-life care insurance, and it seems prudent to look into that. When I was younger and had fewer assets, I had a 20-year level- term life insurance policy. If you have people who rely on you and you require life insurance, always purchase level term life insurance. My only regret is that I didn’t get the 30-year level term. When you reach your 50s, life insurance gets expensive. 

I have recently become very interested in insurance for things far worse than financial ruin. I will call this the risk of panic and disaster. I will put this very bluntly. What could happen that would cause you or those you love to become a slave? How long can you go without food? How long can you survive surrounded by danger? How long can you last without the ability to buy anything? The purpose of insurance is to transfer risk. I cannot afford to risk any of these. War, disease and natural disaster can bring about the reality of these risks. How can we mitigate these risks? My current insurance does not protect against these things.

I require a new definition of insurance. In order to determine what this new definition is, I must list what is it that I need to insure I am able to do. We will do this by taking a look at every area of life and exploring what we NEED to do in that area. This is our objective. We will also list what could undermine it or in other words, put doing it at risk. Make this personal and do the exercise along with me. I did not come up with my list of objectives while writing this today. I have developed them over the last few years. Perhaps some of my objectives will ring as true for your life also and using them will save you a bunch of time. My objectives are my goals, and I am working at making my life line up with these statements. On some of these I have a lot of work to do so please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m like the plaque on the wall which says, “Be patient, God isn’t finished with me yet.” OK?

Physical- 

Objective– living healthy allows me to love others through

1) Community

2) Having the energy to love

3) Not being a burden to others

I eat for health and energy. On the occasions that I am eating for enjoyment I will practice moderation. I exercise daily to increase my stamina. I stretch daily to be limber. My objective is to be lean, fit and flexible.

Risks– Having the wrong attitude towards food. Having a food addiction. Not having healthy food available. Not exercising properly. Being too busy or lazy to exercise. Not stretching to increase flexibility.

Forms of insurance required– Tracking of what I eat. Having predetermined meals. Having a daily ritual of exercise and stretching.

Intellectually- 

Objective– I am a curious person with a wide variety of interests which I am constantly increasing my knowledge of. There is always one topic that I am working towards having a mastery of. I use my knowledge to connect with and mentor others.

Risks– Books and podcast being unavailable. Loss of the inner drive for growth. Loss of the ability to write down my thoughts.

Forms of insurance required– Having all audiobooks backed up. Having some books in paper. 

Emotional-

Objective– Those who interact with me can depend on me to appropriately display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, even in the midst of turmoil. Others can trust that I will not fret when my interest is not served but instead be assured that I take joy in seeing others prosper.

Risks– Lack of concern for others. Chemical imbalance in my brain. Chronic physical pain.

Forms of insurance required– Continual focus on being concerned for others. Prompt medical care for injuries and illness.

Vocationally-

Objective– I will use my talents and passions to serve others, and in return, they will show me that my service is of value through payment and honor.

Risks– Collapse of the economy. Physical injury. Loss of interest in doing my job. Failure to maintain relationships.

Forms of insurance required– Having multiple talents and passions so that if one outlet to perform is eliminated, I can switch to another. Being willing to leave a profession when interest in it wanes. Weekly practice of developing friendships at work.

Family- 

Objective– I enjoy and cherish my wife and children. They can trust that I will consistently and intentionally seek what is for their benefit. I will provide for the needs of my family in good times and in bad for the remainder of their lives.

Risks– Relationships becoming toxic. Lack of food, shelter, or clothing due to disaster or collapse of economy. Lack of resources to purchase food, shelter, or clothing.

Forms of insurance required– Continued love with humility and not being reactive. As my mother has said to me when I want to cut off a relationship with someone who I believe is toxic, “Don’t let the lake between you freeze.” It takes a lot of love and humility to not put up walls of defense in relationships, even with people I love, when I believe I have been wronged or rejected. Everything included in financial forms of insurance. A protected store of food, water, water filtration, medicine, hygiene products and fuel in case of emergency.

Socially- 

Objective– I have a small number of close friends I enjoy and trust who are growth-oriented. I have coaches for each of these eight areas of my life. I have trusting, respectful, and enjoyable relationships with my partners at work. I have men that I am mentoring in areas where I have expertise.

Risks– Being considered boring or irrelevant.

Forms of insurance required– A drive for continued growth in every area of life and a willingness to engage in that growth with others.

Spiritual

Objective– I cherish God and delight in all of His goodness, truth and beauty. My relationship of communing with Him throughout the day is my sustenance.

Risks– Failing to guard my heart against selfish pursuits and a lack of gratefulness.

Forms of insurance required– Give up the right to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Instead submit to what God wants me to think, say, or do in every circumstance.

Financially- 

Objective– I have the resources available to me to serve others generously. I manage my resources so that this generosity will last all the days of my life and so that my children and the generations that follow will enjoy an inheritance.

Risks– Loss of employment. Loss of pension. Economic collapse. Political collapse. Major change in tax laws which affect investments. Loss of physical or mental capacity. Lawsuits.

Forms of insurance required– Sufficient financial income to provide for regular expenses. Sufficient financial reserves to provide for long term emergencies. Sufficient investments to provide for regular expenses after retirement. Investments that provide income without eating away at the principle. Insurance policy to provide income in case of injury. Insurance policy to provide replacement of housing in case of disaster. Insurance to pay for the high cost of medical expenses. Insurance policies to pay liability claims in lawsuits. Non-correlated diversification of investments. Estate planning to limit tax exposure and provide for children upon death. Cash reserves in case the banking system shuts down.

Summary

-My overall objective is to increase the capacity to love in all areas of life.

-The risks I face are things which erode my ability to love. These risks are primarily internal. To be honest, the greatest risks I face are selfishness and a lack of discipline. The external risks I face are others acting in selfish ways toward me and disasters of nature, political upheaval, disease, and war 

The greatest risk I face are:

1. Lack of food and shelter,
2. Loss of my physical and mental health.
3. Loss of healthy relationships
4. Loss of financial resources

-Insurance of various types is required to mitigate the risks that can greatly limit my ability to love.

Most people limit their insurance to financial loss. After careful consideration, I believe financial loss to be a very significant risk, but the consequences of financial loss are almost insignificant in comparison to the first three greatest risks that I face. 

Insurance is pretty much about being protected from being blindsided. I got blindsided once and smashed two windshields with my head. I tell the whole story here in I Should Have Seen It Coming