I’ve noticed that I have a lot of expectations.
Perhaps you can relate to these statements of expectations-
- People should just do their jobs and do them competently.
- If I don’t remind them to do it, the task will never get done.
- If they only cared about me, they would stop doing ….
- They must be doing this on purpose to annoy me.
- Why do you always have to drive like a maniac?
- Why can’t they be on time.
- Why aren’t they on board with what is happening here. They are so uncommitted.
I guess that you have realized that reality teaches us that you can’t fix or change people, so what can be done about this tension?
I am going to say something that may be as hard for you to hear as it is for me to write. Stop having expectations. Why should we stop having expectations?
- Expectations can create resentment and disappointment.
- Eliminating expectations causes you to feel better about yourself and others.
- Expectations allow you to put the blame on other people which is poor leadership
- Having expectations limits your ability to be delighted with other people.
It seems impossible to not have expectations. If we are not going to have expectations then what do we have instead?
Replace expectations with strong agreements.
What is an agreement? An agreement is a co-created pact.
A co-created pact is the result of all people involved taking responsibility for the outcome and determining who will be responsible for the what, what-ifs, when, and how of the issue.
Agreements create better relationships. They also apply to every relationship you have whether it be employee, employer, contractor, vendor, customer, volunteer, family member, friend or co-worker.
Let’s explore why expectations are a problem-
Do you have an agreement if your boss lays a huge project on you and says, “I need you to get this done by Friday, OK?”, and you respond by saying you will do your best? This is an example of, at best, a weak agreement. When you look over the project, you realize it would take at least two people working full time to get it done by Friday and as a result the project fails to be completed. Should your boss expect that an assignment you did not really agree to will be completed? What if completion is the expectation? What if you work sixteen-hour days, the job gets done, and the boss has no idea that the assignment was unreasonable? What if you tell your boss you need more resources and the response is that none are available so you let it fail? The result of this situation could easily be frustration for everyone involved.
A strategy of using an agreement could ensure success of the project and the building of a relationship.
Here is an example of a parent and teenage son comparing an expectation and an agreement.
Expectation – Son has been told it is his chore to cut the grass every week. It is Saturday at Noon and the son is still in bed. Family is coming over for a party that afternoon and the grass has not been cut all week. The Father is fuming that his son is not doing what is expected and so the Father is knocking on the Son’s door and complaining to the Son about sleeping in so late, about being irresponsible, and waiting for the last minute which is holding up the setting up of tables and chairs in the yard. The Father is annoyed and the Son is annoyed and altogether it is a bad start to what was hoped to be a nice day.
Would you rather have this sort of stress from expectations or have a strong agreement like the following-
Agreement – Father and Son speaking the weekend before the party. Father: “Son this coming weekend we are having the whole family over and it is important to me that the grass is cut before Saturday or at the very latest, early Saturday morning.” Son: “No problem.” Father: “So what can I expect?” Son: “I’ll get it done before the party.” Father: “Is there anything that could get in the way of you doing it before Saturday?” Son: “it’s a busy week. I’m on the planning committee for the dance Friday night and I have a paper due and I have practice every night on Monday through Thursday.” Father: “Sounds crazy busy. When could you fit in the grass?” Son: “How about Thursday after I get home from decorating the gym for the dance?” Father: “That would be great. Is this something that you will try to do or can I count on you doing it?” Son: “You can count on it” Father: “Is there anything that could keep you from doing it on Thursday night?” Son: “I almost forgot we are out of gas, could you get some?” Father: “I will do that and thank you for making time to cut the grass on Thursday night before the party. It is very important to me.” Perhaps you are laughing at how impossible it is for you to have a conversation like this with your child. Realize that you are the adult and until you are able to co-create a strong agreement you will have to rely upon the brute force of rules and consequences. This relegates you to a role similar to that of a tyrant. The way to escape this with your children or with anyone else is to implement an agreement focusing especially on steps 1 and 2 listed below.
The six parts of an agreement
If you are going to replace expectations with agreements you must agree to-
- the desired outcome and the reason that outcome is desired.
- what everyone involved in the agreement will get out of it.
- who is responsible for each part of the agreement.
- the time and dates pertinent to the agreement.
- the communication required and when the communication will occur.
- the consequences of breaking the agreement.
When you do this, you have a relationship.
The stronger your relationship, the easier it is to create strong agreements.
Good relationships are based on agreements.
Relationships based on expectations and assumptions are a source of relational stress.
Some expectations seem reasonable.
I had a situation where a coworker would arrange his schedule so that he was committed to a very easy task that would take up his day every Friday. He had many other responsibilities that would pop up and need to be done on Fridays but since he was committed to another project those responsibilities would fall on other people, including me. This annoyed me a great deal. I expected my coworker to be fully responsible and respectful of me. Even though this coworker did not work for me I still could have created an agreement encompassing all six steps.
Agreements take time and effort but they produce predictable results. Expectations take no time and they produce a result commensurate with the lack of time and effort invested.
Here are some points to keep in mind
- If you are wondering where to start with creating agreements it is no harder than identifying complaints. What complaints do you have about others and what complaints do others have about you? Complaints reveal expectations. Replace the expectations with agreements.
- When you have a request to make of someone it is the perfect time to ask them for an agreement.
- You can make requests of those in authority over you as well as those under you.
- Just because you make a request does not mean you have an agreement.
- If someone is not willing to meet your request what is it that they can agree to?
- Just because someone knows what you expect does not mean that they agree that the expectation can or should be met.
- Problems with people can be a sign that there is an expectation with no agreement.
- Agreements are created through mutual creativity. This is why they take time and effort. Creativity does not always come about easily.
- Agreements are the result of respectful relationships. Expectations lack respect.
- We choose to not have expectations because they do not serve us well.
- Fights can be caused by the toxic emotions of expectations.
- How do you react when someone tells you they expect something of you? You prepare a defense. People will even sabotage expectations. When you expect something, you chase it away instead of drawing it to you.
- Ask people to enter into an agreement.
- Agreements must work for all parties involved.
- People desire to keep their agreements. If they do not you must have a conversation about agreeing to keep agreements. You cannot have a relationship with a person who does not keep their agreements.
- If you are unhappy with a situation in your life then make an agreement that changes the situation.
- Taking full responsibility for yourself is the result of not having expectations of others. This is a hard one. I will be very straight forward. People with messed up lives have issues with blaming others for their problems.
- Understand that people will not be able to keep their agreements 100% of the time. Be graceful and create agreements that have the ability to achieve the goal even when things do not go as planned.
When an agreement is broken consider these things-
- Were all six steps to creating an agreement taken?
- Was the agreement specific?
- Was the agreement clearly communicated?
- Were the terms agreed upon?
- Did all of the people involved participate in creating the agreement?
- Were potential obstacles considered with solutions provided?
- Were resources from a third party required but not provided?
- Were the priorities of the outcome determined?
- Was a communication protocol for issues set up?
I made a statement at the beginning of the article which may seem to not have a direct correlation to expectations and agreements but it is very much a core principle of this manner of interacting with others. I said, having expectations limits your ability to be delighted with other people. Consider this, what if somebody does live up to your expectation? They did nothing special. They only met your expectation. If you have the two options of either being disappointed or the melancholy of met expectations it’s a frustrating or boring life. The more expectations I have, the more negative my life will be.
Fun on the other hand is an unexpected pleasure. In other words, things are most fun when we don’t expect them. Do we belly laugh at jokes that we know the punch line to? Are we amazed by things we are familiar with? If we expect everything, there cannot be fun. People need us to be delighted with them. We need people to be delighted with us. Create the opportunity for strong loving relationships by giving up expectations. You and everyone in your life will be better for it. That is my hope for you.
That’s all for now.
Peace and love fellow traveler,
Jim