If you want steak but are offered either apples or potatoes, choose steak. My son and wife were very close for the first eleven years of his life. As Doctor Dobson warned us, my son began the natural maturing process of separation and the relationship my wife had enjoyed and cherished changed. Change is a nice way of saying heartbreak, frustration, anger and hurt. A complicating factor is that my children were schooled at home, which means that my son and his mother seldom got a break from one another. The relationship deteriorated to the point where my wife saw no other option than to send my son to school because they could not interact with each other peacefully. I faced the choice of seeing my son and wife grow to hate one another or lose the dream of homeschooling. I chose steak. What I really wanted was for my wife and me to have a good relationship with my son as an adult. I saw this situation as a threat to that dream. I also wanted my son to have a good education and to develop into a man of good character. The principle my wife and I applied in this situation was to press into the problem instead of backing away from it. The way I pressed into the problem is by telling my wife that she did not have to educate my son because I was going to do it. They probably wanted to bust out laughing at this promise. I followed through and found online classes which my son did on his own while sitting at my desk at work. Yes, he went to work with me. This didn’t last for too long, but long enough to give them both the space they needed. My wife pressed into the problem by focusing on ways to rebuild the relationship. She did this moment by moment through making the following choices: She chose to ignore behavior that didn’t meet her expectations in order to focus on rebuilding. She chose to study things that my son was interested in so that she could talk to him about them. She took him out to eat at a restaurant of his choice once a week, where she had the opportunity to connect with him over his interests.
Here is how the story played out-
My son responded by being cooperative. He continued his schooling at home through high school. Our educational program was successful based on his getting accepted into a very rigorous university, where he found himself well prepared. The relationship between my son and his mother matured into a healthy adult relationship. By the time he graduated from university, my wife and I were confident that our son was a man of high character.
This story could have been so different. It really puts me in awe of God’s goodness that I have this story to tell. I want your stories to be about how your dreams have become a reality. Here are the principles that I see at work here, which can be applied:
- Know what you want. This can also be said as, know what your dreams are, know what your goal is, or know what your objective is.
- Make choices consistent with your dreams. Do you say you want to be a particular type of person or live a certain type of life yet act in completely inconsistent ways? The dream doesn’t matter if you do not make choices consistent with the dream.
- When problems arise, press into the problem by acting on the choices consistent with your dreams. This is called follow-through. It is doing what you say you are going to do. It is being who you say you are. This is the essence of character.
People are all that matters. If what you want is something self-centered, the results you achieve will be meaningless in the end.