Social Distances (The End Of)

Part 2 If you missed part one on the Outer Circle of Acquaintances you can find it here social distances – how close of a friend are you

These are my thoughts on three more levels of friendship; the Middle Circle of Good Friends, The Inner Circle of Intimate Friends, and the special inner circle of Marriage.

Middle Circle of Good Friends

We are attracted to people for a reason. Perhaps you like your friends to be fun, interesting, prestigious, or just nice people. An aunt of mine who has many very close friends gave me this advice;

• Friendships begin through shared experiences. My aunt and uncle have been involved in many ministries, and the people you find very involved in giving their lives to others tend to be good people. It makes sense that through the years they have picked up a good set of friends here and there. Those friends have added up.
• Be intentional about staying connected with your friends. The level of connection varies because life is busy. With some of their friends they text a lot. My aunt has another friend who calls her every week on her way to volleyball. The key is that they stay connected and see each other whenever possible.
• Have an activity that you enjoy sharing with your friends. With many of my aunt and uncle’s friends, they enjoy getting together and playing Canasta. It’s not like you get together just because of the activity, but the activity gives you a foundation. While doing the activity, there is opportunity to laugh and share. The activity is like yeast. It gets things going. 
• The best friends are ones where the husbands and the wives all get along well enough to want to travel together. The amount of time you are able to spend with someone is greatly increased if both you and your spouse enjoy the other couple. It makes sense that if you and your spouse both enjoy doing a shared activity with the other couple that you will spend even more time together. Traveling with friends is a recipe for spending lots of time and time is the main ingredient to any relationship.

The middle circle of friends are people that you are familiar with. You are probably pretty familiar with their family. You know what their passions are. You most likely even know of a problematic situation they recently went through, the story about how they struggled through it, and how it changed them.

John Maxwell has a lot to say about a close circle of friends; he said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” He also said to use these three questions to choose the right friends.

Capacity- Does this person have the capacity to grow and develop.
Chemistry -Do you enjoy them. 
Character – Can I trust them
John also has a list of principles to apply to the inner circle of people at work or in an organization you lead. He says to bring these five types of people into your close circle;

• Potential value: Those who raise up themselves
• Positive value: Those who raise morale
• Personal value: Those who raise up the leader
• Production value: Those who raise up others
• Proven value: Those who raise up people who raise up other people

A summary of this advice is- Be intentional about developing mutual friendships with growth minded people. There are three parts to this. The first is be intentional to choose the type of friends that you want, and to build and maintain these friendships. The second is for these friendships to be mutual. I have something I call the jelly bean method of relationships. When you meet somebody, it is typical for you to say hello and for them to day hello back. You dropped a jelly bean in the jar between the two of you and the other person dropped a jelly bean in also. Now the other person may drop a second jelly bean in by asking your name. You respond in kind and now you have each added equally to the relationship building. Now you may make a comment about the thing that the two of you are doing. If they respond by talking for the next half hour nonstop without asking for your input, then they have taken a huge handful of jellybeans and dumped them into the jar. The conversation is now uneven and this is a relationship failure. Use the jellybeans that best fit your personality. Some wonderful jellybeans to toss into the jar are the complementary, humorous, inviting, sharing, and vulnerable ones. The objective is to find someone who is just as interested in you as you are in them. Sometimes people may drop a jelly bean in but they aren’t interested in you at all. You may also find that the jelly beans they drop into the conversation are sarcastic, condescending, shaming, angry, complaining, or uninterested etc. When you find that the conversation is off balance because you are putting in one type of jelly bean and they put in something completely different you can choose whether to go with the direction they are leading. It is ok to smile and excuse yourself. You don’t have to be part of conversations that are full of toxicity like gossip or just self-centered such as a woe is me talk. I had to come up with this method because I am apt to be very open or enthusiastic and I can dump a whole handful of jellybeans into the jar without waiting for the other person to respond allowing me to check on the mood and speed of the relationship. The third item is to build relationships with growth minded people. The best way to do this is to be growth minded yourself which I know you are since you are reading this. At some point you need to be intentional and determine whether this person is someone who has the capacity to grow and develop. People who are growth minded will be most connected with others who are also focused on growth. One last thought on good friends. Life is busy and friends take time. One thing about being busy is that we are typically busy doing what we are doing with other people. Make friends where you spend your time. If that isn’t working out then consider if the problem is you or the people you spend your time with. You need to change something. Be intentional and change it.

Inner Circle of Intimate Friends

Everything said about the Middle Circle also applies to The Inner Circle also which is where you go deep. It is made of friends who you confide in and who confide in you. A person with three clear circles of friends is Jesus. He had his outer circle of those who followed him around, those he taught, healed and interacted with, and of those who lived in his village. He then had his 12 Good Friends, His Disciples, who spent a lot of time interacting with him. Of these, twelve were three who were closest to Jesus. They were Peter, James and John. Which three were in the garden when Jesus was struggling in prayer over dying? It was these three. Jesus shared special times, his deepest temptations, and His greatest glories with these three. These are people who, chosen from our circle of good friends, we have determined we not only trust thoroughly but that we also have a shared heart towards life with. In a deep sense these are people that you prefer. Not just prefer in the sense of enjoying or liking but in the sense that you do what is best for them and they do likewise to you. There are also proper boundaries with those in your inner circle. You choose to prefer each other. You do not act out of guilt or obligation. You are also considerate that those in your inner circle are individuals separate from each other and separate from your spouse. There are things you do not share with your inner circle. You do not share personal information about others in your inner circle. This means that you don’t talk about things you know because you are intimate with someone that they would not share with someone they are not intimate with. These are secrets, and you need to honor your closest friends by keeping their secrets. You also do not share things with your inner circle that betrays the intimacy that you have with your spouse.

Spouse – The two become one

There is a relationship that goes way deeper than others can. This relationship is marriage. Marriage is not a contract with terms of performance. It is not a contract with an end date. Marriage is a covenant. A covenant is a relational agreement with terms of commitment. Your familiar with the terms- for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow. When a husband and wife are joined through this covenant, they are now one of the four institutions that God has ordained. This institution is the family. Husbands and wives are dependent on each other, but they are not co-dependent. The family has very specific purposes. I call these purposes The Business of Family. They are- to be a community who enjoys life together, to work together to learn that the one purpose in life is to love God and His creation, to provide for the physical needs of one another, and to prepare children for being the heads of their own families. There are a lot of things which wind up being included in each one of these items. It is a monumental task requiring the concerted effort and devotion of a husband and wife. Those who do it well are successful at the business of family. They have something amazing, which is a source of joy, love, purpose, and security. Marriage partners have a destiny that is tied to one another. They have physical and emotional intimacy which is not shared with others outside of their spouse. They protect their marriage with boundaries. Flirting with a person outside of the marriage would never be engaged in because it is a threat to the commitment they have made to one another and a sign that a breach of fidelity is being played with in the mind. The same goes for emotional or physical affairs. They would never let an enemy breach the wall of their marriage. When marriage partners are committed to and properly focused on the job at hand, there are so many emotional, physical and spiritual traps that they just don’t fall into. Covenants kept result in blessings received. It isn’t easy but sure is worth it.

This has been my simplified take on a very complex topic. I expect that a lot of what I said is rarely experienced. We can change that to experience more of the good. I hope that you take one thing from this exploration of friendship and act on going deeper with someone in your life. 

Would you give me a hand with something? I am very interested in knowing what you are looking for a good friend to be in your life. The second thing is what do you do for other people that makes them call you a friend? Would you write your reply in the comments below? Thank you.

That’s it for now.

Peace and Love fellow traveler,

Jim