Stop Stress By Doing This Now

Resilience Part 2

Click here for Part 1 “You Can Make Trouble Into Joy”

Let’s talk about how you can decrease stress by increasing your resilience. 

Resilience is the stability and joy created by hope in and access to a secure resource.

Your gas gauge reads 1/8 of a tank while driving in the desert as you see a sign that says the next stop for gas is 250 miles. You begin to sweat as your stress level increases because you don’t have enough gas. There is no hope that the amount of gas you have will get you to the station. You do not have access to the secure resource that you need- Gas. Am I alone in feeling that there are so many desert areas of life that we travel through? When I was newly married, I became aware that every relationship has a “bank” account. Not a real bank account but a relational account. We are familiar that a bank statement is a list of deposits and withdrawals. Relational bank accounts are also made up of deposits and withdrawals. Relationships make you feel a certain way. These relational bank accounts are real because our emotions are real. Pretend you go into a bank to open a checking account. They require you to start by making a deposit. We are going to go one step further in what we imagine. Now pretend you go into the bank with another person and open an account with them. One of you or both of you make a deposit to open the account. Think about your relationships and what you consider withdrawals and deposits in those relationships.

Have you ever received a gift that you didn’t want? I have, but since this is a public conversation, I will not go into the details here. I have one neighbor that throws all of his children’s Halloween candy away. I expect that if he is given a gift of candy it is not received by him as a gift. One person thinks they are making a deposit by giving the gift but they are really making a withdrawal. Wow, it is no wonder that relationships are difficult. After a large snow storm I decided to be a great neighbor and remove the snow off a neighbor’s side walk. My Golden Retriever ran over at some point and made a bit of yellow snow over their grass. Later my doorbell rang and it was this neighbor with the freshly cleared sidewalk. He told me in no uncertain terms to keep my dog off his yard. The clearing of snow was not mentioned. Clearly both of us made relationship withdrawals in that interaction. We need to come up with an easy to remember idea to guide us into doing things that are actually received as deposits. Banks used to have machines which would count your coins. There was a basket where reject coins would be returned to you. Foreign or damaged coins would not be accepted. The same rule applies to people. We must know what “currency” they want to work with. Facebook is a master of this. They curate your news feed to give you more of what you want. Whatever side of the political spectrum you hail from is known to Facebook and they give you what they know you will not reject. The same is true for your relationships. You must care enough about others to pay attention and give them what they want. This is what a deposit is. Perhaps you are like me and have fallen into the trap of thinking that your role is to give people what they need not what they want. These gifts are seldom received as deposits. Here is a memorable statement to help you make deposits-

This action will achieve the desired result

It’s a no-brainer that deposits which achieve the desired result are good. Does this mean that all withdrawals are bad? Absolutely not. The truth is people will like you more if they can do something for you. Good relationships revolve around giving and taking.

As long as someone is making deposits into the relationship there is something there to withdraw from. An aunt of mine says there are two types of people in this world, givers and takers. Eventually the givers get tired of giving without the other person in the relationship making a deposit in return.

Deposits can be made in every area of life. When I became a parent, I found that children spell love as T I M E. Time is the deposit. What is the consequence of not making deposits with children? I also learned that discipline without a relationship leads to rebellion. A relationship is not saying I’m the parent and you’re the child, do what I say. Relationships require doing things that are received as deposits. Will this action achieve the required result? Will this thing that I intend to be a deposit be received as a deposit?

You may think that I have left faith out of this discussion. Faith is not the same as hope.

Faith is the certainty that even though you may not see the resources in the account, they are there nonetheless. Faith also has to be based on something. Children do not know the depths of their parents’ resources but, unless shown otherwise, they have faith that the resources are there. I don’t know what God has for me but there are times that I have nothing. Nothing to base my hope on except for this; I have Jesus who is my waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper and light in the darkness. We not only do all we can to make deposits which create hope but also always have faith. This is so necessary because in the end we do not have full control over what happens. Just as our hope is based on what we see that is really there, our faith is based on what we don’t see that is really there.

What I intended to say to you here is that you can become more resilient by having hope as you increase the resources available to you in every area of life. Every area of life is an account. Relationships are one area of life. Accounts are managed by making deposits and withdrawals. Grow your accounts by making deposits because this will give you something solid to base your hope on. Realize that we need to be intentional about deposits to keep from doing things we think are deposits but are actually received as withdrawals.My hope is that you make deposits in every area of life and test what you do by asking yourself whether This action will achieve the desired result.

Click here for part 3