The Exception to Forgiving

What are the exceptions to forgiving? Certainly, there are things that we can’t possibly be expected to forgive. There is an estimated 20 to 40 million people in slavery today. Over half of human trafficking cases in the U.S. are sex related. The average age of a person put into the sex trade is 12 to 14 years old. Is it ok to not forgive the person who kidnaps a child and sells that person as a sex slave? We could go on and on listing egregious acts that are reasonably beyond forgiveness. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t need anything greater than personal rejection or betrayal to make me not want to forgive.

What is your definition of forgiveness? If a person apologizes to you and you say I forgive you, what does that really mean? I think it often means an agreement has been made to stop arguing about the issue or to stop acting coldly towards one another. It means, we are good now, or at least we will act like our relationship is good. This implies that a reconciliation has occurred. Forgiveness and reconciliation are considered to go hand in hand. You get one with the other. Is this connection of the two emotionally healthy? Is it really even possible? Is it possible in every case? I believe it is healthiest for you and me to make a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. They are two different things. Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish. Reconciliation is the restoration of a broken relationship. I needed to understand this in order to make a huge personal leap in a spiritual sense.

I believed that I didn’t have to forgive anyone who had not asked for forgiveness. If you are like me this rule is quite easy to follow because very few people ask for forgiveness. I am trying to think of people who have asked for forgiveness and other than my wife and parents, I come up blank. Not forgiving people is a great weapon. The only problem is, it is a weapon that harms the person who wields it more than the intended object. It is like a gun with a barrel pointed at the shooter. Not forgiving someone leads to bitterness, anger and even hatred. These are thoughts and emotions that pollute the core of a person. They also pollute those around us. The Bible says that the root of bitterness defiles many. It is wise to distance yourself with boundaries from bitter people. I don’t want to be the person who other people are smart to stay away from. I don’t want my wife, children or friends to be polluted by me. Once I realized that I could give up the right to punish someone, without requiring that the toxic relationship must be restored, I was free to forgive.

I am sure you have been harmed by someone. I am sure that you are due being paid a penalty by someone. You have been hurt beyond repair. Someone you love has been hurt beyond repair. The perpetrator deserves to pay, and pay they will. The question is who will make them pay? Who is capable of making them pay? God will make sure that the price is paid. The Bible tells us that God will not be mocked, a man will reap what he sows. If you are struggling with bitterness please read Psalm 73. You can be free to forgive if you give God the right to punish. For the sake of your own life you must give up the right to punish. You are paying a never-ending price for the wrong that someone else did by holding the right to punish in your heart. You can be free. The other person does not have to ask for forgiveness in order for you to give up the right to punish. Do you want to be free of anger and bitterness? Give up the right to punish. Trust in this, God will not be mocked. God has the ability to make sure the price is paid.

Who do you need to forgive? It is not a matter of the other person needing your forgiveness. This is about you cleaning out your core of love. Who has poisoned your heart? You do not have to let that person hurt you again. You do not have to talk to or even see that person again. You do not have to tell that person they are forgiven. What you must do is take responsibility for the condition of your heart and give up the right to punish this person.

I asked a couple of questions at the beginning of this article. I hope that you are now able to answer that there are no exceptions. No evil act is worth the harm caused by holding unforgiveness. No evil person should be allowed to continue to affect you long after their evil deed has been done. Forgiveness needs to be part of the process of grieving the loss. You can be free.

This is hard work and I think we have done enough for now. Next week we can discuss this further in regards to how reconciliation is used to protect our core of love. I will post the article on my blog jim-harmon.com.